For Lent this year I gave up Lent. It didn't start out that way at all. I had a big idea that this would be the year that I would really concentrate on and celebrate the significance of the season because recently I've discovered a new way to live and think and feel. I was introduced to a new Jesus. Actually, he introduced himself to me. And I was born again, again. You see, Sunday School Jesus and I have had a relationship (of sorts) for most of my life. (Sunday School Jesus is the Swedish guy that you see in all the movies who has a pat answer for everything and if he were any more serene, he'd be comatose.) That guy worked for me for awhile. I could believe in S.S.J. because my world was very black and white, so the pat answers covered things. All the rules were there for a reason. But at some point, I started noticing gray areas in my world, areas where all the rules and regulations I lived with really were not good alternatives because there were A LOT of people being left out. And when I went to where I knew to go for help with finding answers to my questions, all that was offered were more black and white ultimatums and harsher rules. Which in turn made me feel guilty and frustrated and sad. But this new Jesus has offered me a different point of view. One that embraces everyone and gray areas, wrestles with things that don't make sense, and insists that I be creative in seeking my answers. A faith that is not satisfied with making an appearance a few times a week, but one that must be exercised every day. And it's a freedom that I didn't know was possible. It is the freedom to be who I am. The last few months have been beautifully liberating as I am learning how to live out this new kind of relational faith.
I do not come from an orthodox background, so Lent was never something that I ever really learned about until I became an adult. Even now, my understanding of it is really basic. I had planned to really learn and connect with some very historical parts of my faith. And in the light of my new found freedom to embrace all things God, I was ready with both barrels loaded, to learn and glean and use these Lenten months to become very, very, Spiritual (with a capital S). In hyper-spiritual overdrive, I planned to read certain things at certain times, give up certain foods on certain days of the week, attend services at orthodox churches, so that I could truly have a big God experience. The first week went really well, because I am a good rule follower and because it was a light week in the Reality Department. The next week, I missed a few readings and didn't plan very well for the meals. Then all of a sudden I look around and I am not abiding by any of the rules and, uuuhh.....whoops, I haven't been for a couple of weeks now! Oh, this is not good. I'm gonna have to double-time it now because it's Holy Week and TRUE Christians really get what this week is all about. And after royally not getting around to double-timing it this week, my big redemptive plan was to attend a Good Friday service at the most orthodox place that I could find. As if that would somehow absolve my failure for reaching Uber-Spirituality during the past several weeks. Good Friday came and I managed to plan my day so well that I missed the service. So instead of spending the afternoon feeling like Mel Gibson at the premiere of The Passion of the Christ, I spent the afternoon hiding my guilt from Sunday School Jesus.
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, because I use what Husband refers to as the "Slow-Cooker Method." (It means that I have to wrestle and chew on things for quite awhile before they makes sense to me. I will usually have a strong gut level reaction to something, but it must be "slow-cooked" before I am able to articulate it.) But, at some point Friday evening, after slow cooking my guilt and my new found freedom together in the crock pot of my soul, Someone (with a capital S) whispered something else to me. Perhaps, in my attempt to Become Spiritual, all I did was trade one set of rules for another. I forgot about the relationship. And the relationship is what this whole things hinges on.
By giving up Lent for Lent, I didn't give up organized religion, I just loosened my grip on the box that I try to keep God in. He's bigger and WAY more interesting than I've ever given him credit for. I'm in a new relationship. We're learning how to live with each other and function together on a daily basis. I will get better at this. And I can't wait for Lent next year.